❌ Can you stop being so ungrateful for all that I do for you ❌
We’ve made it to the final step on our journey through the 4 steps of Nonviolent Communication!
Understanding your feelings and needs is the key to clear communication and being fulfilled, content, and connected, and that's what I'm here for!
That's cool, Elise, but how the heck do you ask for what you need when you've been conditioned to put the needs of everyone else before you?
First and foremost, write out the first 3 steps on a piece of paper before any conversation with another human being.
* If something happens and you have a big, not-on-purpose reaction (nervous system dysregulation, heart beating fast, breath shallow, seeing in black and white, things flying out of your mouth that you wish would hadn't). Don't worry, you're human. Apologize, and ask for time. 30 mins, 1 day, whatever you need to get yourself clear.
The 4 steps:
Observation (facts-no opinion or judgment of what happened)
Feeling (what are you feeling inside your body-check your list)
Need (what is your unmet need under the feeling)
Request ⏎ you are here
Now you’re ready!
Tips to make your request:
Make it a clear action, be specific
Make it in the present tense
Focus on what you want rather than what went wrong
Flexibility is key, the only thing you have control of is yourself. The other person might not respond the way you hoped. Can you be with that?
We (I’m using we because I do this on the regs even though I study this 💩) are vague, wait too long to ask for what we need (which causes resentment), and are indirect because it feels selfish to ask for what we need.
So the request comes out 🤢….
Weird. Awkward. Unclear. Unkind. Vague. Negative. Naggy. Martyr-y (not words, but you catch my drift).
When you get clear on your feelings and needs, and make your request from that place, using these tips 👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽 you might be surprised by what happens.
Let’s break down what a simple, clear, kind request sounds like:
"Would you be willing to call Josh and explain what happened?"
"Are you open to saying thank you when I change my plans to help you out?"
"Will you please put your dishes in the dishwasher before I get home from work on school days?"
And what it doesn’t sound like:
"Can you be more responsible?" (Vague, opinion, judgment)
"Can you stop being so ungrateful for all that I do for you?" (Negative focus, vague, opinion, judgment)
"Stop leaving your dishes everywhere?" (Negative focus, vague, generalization)
Actual things clients have said to me when they get clear in themselves and use these tips for communicating with their loved ones:
“Things went differently in that conversation because I was able to explain things better. I was more mentally prepared.”
“Had the conversation. Felt good about what I said.”
“I would not have had the courage to disagree with them without this work.”
I will never say this work is easy.
It takes courage, strength, and vulnerability.
You have to create new grooves and pathways in your brain, but it is worth it.
And just so you know, I'm right here with you. You are not alone. 💗
