Boundaries are not up for debate

I was driving in the car with my mom's best friend talking about parenting teens (I was a year younger than her daughter, and we were both WILD.)

She said each week she felt the dread building as Friday drew closer when her kids would ask to go to some crazy party. “My life got so much easier when I figured out what to say to the dreaded, ‘Can I go to the party tonight?’ question.” 

“What?!?” What did you say?” I asked while holding my breath. I’ve been anticipating these wild teenage years since my kids were born. 😅 (Also having a simple response to hard questions with your teen is always helpful. It gives you time to compose yourself so you can bring curiosity and compassion to the situation.)

“How am I going to feel safe about this?” 

This is such a great question and brings up one of the drivers of parent/teen conflict. The parents' need for safety, and the teens’ need for autonomy. 

It also touches on something that I talk about with clients often, which is the difference between boundaries and rules.

I’m a firm believer in bringing the whole family together when discussing rules. Cell phones, social media, curfews, parties, sleepovers… 

Bringing your partner and your children in on the rules of the family is a great way to start conversations and to give your kids a sense of ownership and participation in how things go. 

It also means that when there’s a hard no (boundary), it’s easier for your teen to swallow because they have gotten to add their 2 cents in the past 10 discussions.

When going into a family discussion about rules, come prepared, and do your best to leave your judgment outside the house. Bring all the curiosity and compassion you can muster to the table.

This does not mean your kids get to decide the rules, but they do get to share their opinions and thoughts, and you get to listen with open, compassionate consideration.

But, when it comes to your boundary. Something that you feel in your body, and crosses that line into resentment or a true concern for safety. You get to hold firm and be confident in your choice.

Boundaries are not up for a family debate, and you get to have them. This doesn’t mean you can’t talk about them, or that your kids won’t have opinions about them

They might be very different from your sister's boundaries, and they also may be very different from your children’s friends parent’s boundaries. And that’s ok because they are personal.

And that’s why it’s always important to do the work of getting to know yourself, and listening closely, so you can be firm in what feels good for you and what does not.

So, the next time your teen comes to you and asks to do something you’re not sure about, take the advice from a dear friend and ask, “How am I going to feel safe about that?”

And if they share how, but you still feel a hard no in your body, you get to say no. But bring your open mind, curiosity, and your desire for them to build autonomy and trust.