Communication and raceways 🏎 💨
I was standing on the raceway looking at my 9-year-old daughter in her cute little pink sandals and denim skirt, waiting to sing the National Anthem. I could feel my heart pounding.
Car races have never been my thing. I literally had never been to one until last year when my then 8-year-old daughter was asked to sing.
There are so many things about car races that are not me. But when I hear my daughter hit all the notes of the NA, my heart melts a little. And it doesn't really matter where I am.
So there we were at the Roseville Speedway on a balmy April evening with some friends in the VIP section. “We’re with the band.” 🤣
After she sang and the races got underway, I was trying to have a conversation with my friend, and it was damn near impossible.
Why? Because of the noise level of the cars! They are so loud as they go around and around and around and around.
It got me thinking about communication.
And how opening a hard conversation with someone with judgment, opinions, and accusations is kind of like trying to have a conversation at a car race.
The other person, who you really want to be open and receptive to whatever it is you are trying to communicate, will very likely not hear anything once they hear the judgment, opinion, or accusation.
This is the first and most challenging step in Non-Violent Communication, the communication format that I use, and support clients with.
And I will tell you from my own experience using it that this is the hardest step.
When I sit down to do my reflection and journaling to figure out what and how I want to approach the talk, this one takes the longest. I write out what happened and I think I nailed it, but when I read it back to myself I can see glaring judgments and opinions.
So here are a few tips for when you do this.
Stay away from generalizations like, “you never” or “you always”
Be specific, “yesterday” or “last night”
Use only facts. Facts are things everyone can agree on, so if your statement has something the other person might not agree on, double-check it 👀
Imagine a drone hovering above the situation, what would it record?
When you can come into a conversation with a clear statement about the facts, it changes everything.
Rather than the other person getting defensive, shutting down, fighting back, or running away, they can stay open to the conversation and you can move on to the next step.
Good communication is at the foundation of relationships. And it takes work. You have to reflect and acknowledge where you may have contributed to the breakdown.
The crazy truth is that when you can truly state facts, and the other person stays open, you might learn that the other person has a completely different perspective than you.
And when you can stay open too, this is where real communication takes place.
Next week I will be sharing about the second step, which is stating how it made you feel. Don’t worry, this part is easier because you get to look at a list of feelings to choose from. But beware of the tricky ways in which it’s easy to mess this step up.
The best thing about this system for communication is that it starts with you. You get to learn more about yourself, build confidence and trust in yourself, and connect with others.
And when you communicate in this way you model how to communicate clearly and effectively.
Your kids learn from your actions, not from your words.
