"We Need to Talk" - the 4 most dreaded words
“Lili, we need to talk.” The 4 most dreaded words to hear coming from my dad.
They make you feel like you’re in trouble and you need to goooo!
I remember one specific talk taking almost 2 hours. I had just gotten caught smoking weed for the first time. I knew it was coming, but those words still brought shivers to my whole body and I wondered how in the world I could get out of it?
So let’s talk about the talk. How do you have it so your teen doesn't go into panic and run, shut down, or flat-out refuse to participate?
A few simple logistics to get out of the way,
Start with something other than, “we need to talk” try instead... "do you have a minute?" "can I chat with you for a few minutes?" "Are you busy? Do you have time for a quick chat?"
Keep it under 2 hours, have you heard the saying, rather than 1 conversation for 100 minutes, try 100 conversations for 1 minute?
Even though this may be the conversation where you talk about the consequences of a behavior, remember it is just a behavior. Your teen is not bad. They made a choice you don’t agree with.
Consequences should be as natural as possible, and connected to the behavior. It is hard to learn when consequences feel very disconnected from behavior. That is more of a punishment.
Spend a few moments connecting to, and remembering yourself as a teen. I know it was a long time ago, but I bet you made some interesting choices too. Your teen is learning and growing. Making mistakes is part of that process.
Ok, now that we have that out of the way. 😅
Before you get anywhere near “the talk” or "the quick chat" get out your journal, find a quiet moment, and get ready to do some thinking and reflecting on the situation.
What happened? Can you make an observation about the event that leaves out your opinion? That means you are looking at it as if it were recorded by a drone, just the facts. No judgment or opinion. This is harder than you think, it may take a few tries to get it right, but this is a necessary step. When you come into a conversation with judgments and opinions, the other will be immediately on the defensive, and that is no way to start a convo!
How did it make you feel? Did you know that the majority of people can only name a few feelings when there are actually somewhere around 90 (in the English language)? I use this list when I do this process for myself. It makes it so much easier. For a full list of feelings, download my free communication guide.
What are your unmet needs? Unmet needs are what cause you to have icky feelings. As a woman and a mom, it is likely that you have been conditioned to care for everyone else before yourself. Identifying and stating your needs can feel very uncomfortable. And it is a necessary step toward good communication. You can find a full list of needs here.
What is your request? You have to be willing to hear no or a counteroffer. Keep your request in the present tense and positive.
Example:
“Would you be willing to rinse your dishes and put them in the dishwasher”
Rather than, “Can you stop leaving your dirty dishes everywhere”
I'll be breaking each one of these four steps down over the next few weeks, but if you'd like the expedited version, you can pick up my communication guide here.
Side note: If you're like cool Elise, but who the heck is Lili... it's me. 👋🏽 Everyone from my life before going to college calls me Lili, even my husband because we met through my cousins. It gets confusing, like wait which name does this person know me as?!?! 🤪
But the truth is I like them both, and I've never been the type of person to demand people call me something else. In fact, I think it's so awkward when my husband calls me Elise. It feels like, "We need to talk" Eeeek! What did I do? 🏃🏽♀️➡
