Creating Trust With Your Teen pssst…. it’s a Two Way Street

The most exciting part about baseball season was the snack shack. They had Now ‘N Laters and Big League Chew, remember, the stringy bubble gum, grape was my favorite flavor.

Now that I'm an adult, I find it quite inappropriate. Kids bubble gum made to look like chewing tobacco 🤔

I guess that was the ‘80s though. Now in the 2000’s they added a pack with a girl on it. Welcome to the 21st century Big League Chew. Still inappropriate, but thanks for trying.

I didn’t get much candy growing up. So I would save all my allowance and head straight to the snack shack with one of the other little sisters. We would stock up on all the goods and go off and revel in our sugar high in hiding before it was time to go home.

But sometimes there was some candy left over. I would sneak it home, store it under my mattress, and when it was finished, I would bury the wrappers. 😳😳😳

Yep, you heard me. Literally dig a hole and bury it somewhere in the expansive wilderness I grew up in. (It’s probably still there!)

That’s how far I went at 7 or 8 to hide my candy consumption from my parents.

So, the other day when I found some candy wrappers  in my daughter's garbage can, I was like YES!! I must be doing something right. They don't feel the need to dig a hole. 🤣

Why am I telling you this story about my sugar eating, candy consuming, sneaky childhood ways? Because building trust is a very important topic and it starts with small things at a young age.

This habit of being sneaky, lying, and hiding the truth followed me into and through my teen years.

A very common question I get is, “How do I trust them (again)?” 

This is an important, and HARD question.

And I think we must look at trust as a 2 way street. “How do they know they can trust you?”

What kind of trust you might ask? You’re on time to pick them up from practice, you make dinner every night, there’s always enough laundry detergent, in fact, sometimes they even have clean folded laundry on their dresser weekly.
They trust you will show up for them on the day to day.

But I’m talking about the kind where they know you won’t lose your shit on them when they make a mistake, get in trouble, or come to you with a wild idea.

Can you hold the space for them when they're feeling things in a really big way that might not make sense to you.

How do you respond when your tween or teen does something you’re not extremely fond of?

Do you fly off the handle and with a “how dare you?” or a “what were you thinking?” 

Or do you take a few moments to connect with yourself, breath, and then respond from a steady, grounded, loving place?

When your teen trusts that they can come to you with their big things, and even if you’re not thrilled, you don’t get scary (this is what my daughter says about my face when I fly off the handle). 

We all get scary sometimes. We’re human. We’re not perfect. But we are trying!

When you focus on your response, they will come to you more often and more easily. This is what builds trust.

I was just on a call with a mom and teen the other day. 

The teen said, “Ya, I trust her.” 

And I said, "Do you come to her with the big stuff?”

And she got quiet and said, “Not always”

“Do you trust that she’ll show up when you need her?”

“Ya, but I’m scared she’ll yell and be mad.”

This is what I mean. They know that we’ll do the physical thing, and that we love hem. But they’re afraid to reach out because they don’t want to disappoint us or make us mad. 

So it’s imperative that you work on your response.

It does not mean that there’s not a conversation and some natural consequences. But each time they come to you with something and you keep your cool, you’re building their trust in you.

And when they have trust in you, you will be able to trust them more too.