Don’t Take It So Personal, Easier Said Than Done, and So Important
Nobody’s speaking to each other, well, let me rephrase that, my oldest daughter is not speaking to anyone. We’re trying to get out of the house to her rehearsal.
I have no idea what’s going on. Is it me? Is it something I said? Is it her sister? Her dad?
But since she’s not speaking, I have no idea. This is a new and uncomfortable position for me to be in.
And one that I know I need to start getting used to. So, I just roll with it. We hop in the car. I turn some music on, HSMTMTS, oh, you don’t know what that is? It’s High School Musical, The Musical, The Series.
See, even though I was an athlete and all my siblings were athletes, I have a couple of thespians and singers on my hands.
HSMTMTS is the rage at our house right now, and my oldest tried auditioned for High School Musical Jr. and got a role, as a thespian no less.
So, I turn it on, and up because in my car there are 2 volumes, all the way up or off. Either we rock out or we talk, with no music. There is no in between.
And pretty soon she’s yelling over Olivia Rodrigo something about the show.
The dark cloud that was following her around making it hard to function had moved on, and so I moved on too.
As we move away from childhood and into this new phase, here’s what I’ve been thinking about.
The less I engage with the behavior I don’t like or understand, the quicker it passes. When I grill her on what’s going on, or get upset with her for not being kind or respectful at that moment, it makes everything worse.
Don’t take it personal, it’s not about you. This is a hard one, but I truly feel that if us moms could get this a little more clearly, our lives would be a lot easier. Their mood is rarely about us, and the less we attach to trying to fix it, change it, or understand it, the more we can focus on connection.
Behaviors that crop up for preteens and teens are not forever behaviors. Values and morals that were and are modeled by you as a family and by your greater community are still in there. They don’t disappear forever. It may feel like they’re gone for a few years, but they will come back.
This time is very uncomfortable for them too. They often don’t know what’s going on, how they’re feeling, why they’re feeling and what they’re feeling? Pressuring them into telling you only makes them feel more anxious because they don’t actually know. This is normal. It’s called adolescence. Everything is changing in their body and their brain. And what they need is a whole lotta love, acceptance, and grace.
It’s definitely ok to address the behavior or situation if you feel like you need to later. In my experience when I wait, sometimes I don’t even need to.
Rather than being filled with dread, which is how I felt a few years ago, based on how I was as a teen and how it was to be a stepmom of a teen. But then I dove into my work with teens and parents of teens. Now I feel kind of excited.
You might think that’s weird, but I’m excited to see how much I can grow and hold space for my girls, and most importantly, how much I can practice what I preach!
Yep, you heard me. I once heard Dr. Becky Kenedy, parenting expert and author of Good Inside, say that even she only does what she teaches 30% of the time!
Nobody's perfect, especially not in parenting. Just aim for doing your best as often as possible.
