Novocaine and understanding feelings 🥴
Sitting in the extra chair in the tiny room at the dentist, my 7 year old, who usually has such a large presence, looking so tiny leaned back in the chair. Giant sunglasses covering half of her face.
The older male dentist, obviously struggling to communicate with a small human, shooting her up with novocaine.
Everything inside of me wanted to scoop her up and run as far away as possible. I felt helpless, regretful, agitated, and sad. My whole body was tight and heavy, my tummy, my throat, my shoulders, my jaw.
The tears started to trickle out of the corners of my eyes when I saw my daughter start to squirm and cry in pain.
Our children’s dentist, who always uses laughing gas before novocaine, is a pro at communicating with small humans, and whose office is painted baby blue and yellow, stopped taking our insurance.
So, we had to find a new in-network provider, and our first visit was a filling.
I have a ton of dental trauma. I get anxious just thinking about the dentist. Tears start pouring out of my eyes when I get novocaine too. But seeing my daughter in pain like that, and not being able to do anything was much worse!
And there I sat, obviously making the dentist and his assistant uncomfortable with my tears, let’s just say last Wednesday wasn't the best afternoon.
Once we were home and safe and my daughter had a giant crooked smile again, it made me think about all the moms of tweens and teens doing this on a daily.
Watching their daughters and sons struggle emotionally, socially, and mentally, and not be able to swoop in and save the day.
I feel my kids' pain in a way that I did not know was possible to feel with another human.
The pain of social rejection (something that comes up a lot in adolescents) is experienced in the same part of the brain as physical pain.
That means that when your tween or teen is going through friend, boy, or girl trouble, or struggling to keep up in class, it registers in the brain like getting a shot of novocaine, breaking a limb, or falling off their bike and scraping their knee.
And as their mom, it’s equally painful to see and not be able to fix.
This blog post does not have 3 steps to follow to make it all better.
You have to move through it. One foot in front of the other, and bolster yourself so you can be with your tween or teen through it.
After working with hundreds of tweens and teens, the truth is, they usually don’t want you to fix it. They do want you to listen and empathize with them. Or give them a little space to process on their own, and then listen and empathize.
And in order to do that, you must be able to be with your own feelings and notice if you need a few moments to gather yourself, so you can show up fully for them.
I’m not super stoked that my reaction to the dentist is to cry. It would probably be better for everyone involved if that did not happen.
But I am human, and I know that I am able to stay calm and present, even with tears dripping down my face, because I am pretty comfortable with my own big feelings.
Being a mom is so hard. You are not alone. I believe in you. Getting to know yourself is the best gift you can give your child.
