"Feelings"- Nahko

Single-word answers, “fine” “ok” “grunt”

That was how my coaching call with a teen client was going a few weeks ago. I could only see the upper 3 inches of her face, think forehead and eyebrows barely eyes, and I could tell, she was just not into it.

I won’t get into the details of the session (client confidentiality) but it turns out that even in these grunts and one-word utterances we did some good work.

She got some clarity around something that didn’t feel good to her and some tools to have a conversation around it.

By me asking questions, and her thinking about things that she might not have thought of, she realized something that was really bothering her and some tools to communicate about it.

Miscommunications are the number 1 challenge I hear about in families with teens. The perception of the teen vs. the perception of the parent can be about 100 miles apart.

Learning tools to communicate more effectively, and having a neutral party to talk to about it is very helpful.

I've been talking about feelings for 3 weeks and thought it would be time to move on to needs in this week’s blog post, but the truth is that feelings are a big one, and I just had to share this ultra-important communication tip about feelings.

“I feel like you don’t listen to me”

“I feel betrayed”

“I feel taken for granted”

I bet when you read those sentences, they seem perfectly normal to you.

Me too.

That is until I started studying Non-Violent Communication and learning about feelings and non feelings, and the way the English language creates so much unnecessary confusion and poor communication.

Maybe I can’t blame it on the English language itself, but I will blame it on the way we were taught or conditioned to speak.

I still find myself saying, “I feel … nonfeeling” all the time, and saying “I feel” in front of something that is absolutely not a feeling, just a thought.

If you read my blog post from 2 weeks ago or have been catching any of my reels on IG lately, you might remember that feelings are actual physical sensations inside your body. 

“I feel like you don’t listen to me”, doesn’t make sense. I certainly can’t feel you not listening to me inside my body. I can feel lonely, irritated, resentful, and withdrawn. Those are things I might feel when I think you aren't listening to me.

Imagine how different the conversation would go if you started out with, “I feel lonely because I don’t feel heard” vs. “I feel like you don’t listen to me”

I’m not saying it will make that convo easy, it’s still a serious conversation with a lot of big feelings and needs, but without an accusation of someone else’s behavior at the very beginning masked by an “I feel”, I promise that things will go differently.

As for the second 2 examples, those are non-feelings. Non-feelings also express how we interpret other people rather than how we feel inside ourselves.

You might be able to see that if you started a conversation with either of these, the other person would most likely shut down or fight back. They would probably think you were accusing them of doing something wrong.

(👆🏽I just wrote they would probably “feel attacked”, then I remembered, attacked is a non-feeling, what would they feel? I don’t know, I’m not in their body. See, this is tricky, and I often catch myself doing both of these things. And this is why it is so important to do this work of NVC on your own, so you can get your own feelings and thoughts clear and then communicate more clearly.)

When you understand yourself and what you are actually feeling rather than your interpretation of others’ behavior clarity comes.

“Clear is kind” -Brene Brown 

I find so much misunderstanding and miscommunication comes from people being unclear in themself. 

And this is exacerbated for tweens and teens. They are swimming in so many big emotions that they can’t always make sense of. They are navigating a complicated social world and an even more complicated social media world. 

One of the greatest gifts you can give your teen is understanding (and managing) your own feelings and communicating them clearly.

Wondering about the title of this blog post? Check out Nahko, Feelings on Spotify, and really listen to the lyrics. So good.