Stuck in a tree hole 🌲🎿
Last Sunday at yoga, I was next to a friend. She’s the kind of friend who you can be totally honest with. Those are the very best kind.
Anyway, the teacher said, “You know when you need help, but you don’t ask, you just struggle through and then get mad at the person for not knowing what you need?”
Under my breath, I muttered, “everyday” My friend and I both laughed out loud. We have talked about this challenge before.
This is a challenge I have been dealing with my whole life.
When I was about 7, my dad took us skiing at Mt. Bachelor. For some reason, at that time in life, it was normal to send your 7-year-old daughter, with mediocre skill, off on her own with no poles (as a mom of a 7-year-old who is a better skier than I was, this completely blows my mind, but it seemed normal at the time).
I was at the bottom of the hill where it was flat, and I got stuck in a tree hole. I stayed in that tree hole for a very long time. My memory is at least an hour until I saw someone I knew.
Not only did I not ask anyone for help, multiple people came by and asked if I needed help, and I replied no.
This desire to be self-sufficient runs deep, and it is why this next step of non-violent communication is the most challenging for me, (and probably most women).
The next step is identifying your unmet need.
You see, what other people say and do may be the stimulus for us to feel a certain way, but it is not the cause. The cause is our unmet need or our expectation of how it "should" be.
This is a hard pill to swallow.
It feels safer to make a judgment of someone else, rather than saying, "I feel hurt because I have a need for appreciation."
When you can communicate from your feelings and needs rather than what's wrong with the other person, the chances of connection and your needs being met are a lot higher.
The first step is to identify your needs (this is the easy part if you don’t have a list of needs, don’t worry, I’ll give you one). Step 2, you have to ask for what you need… noooooo 😳😳
Why is this so scary?
It’s vulnerable
You have to own your part in the situation
You have to admit that you aren’t completely self-sufficient
If you’re like me and you wear your capabilities like a badge of honor, you have to let go of that badge
So how does this show up in real life?
As a mom of a tween or teen, a common need is safety. It is scary to start letting your little baby do things on their own unless you’re my dad and you’re like fly free on the slopes little one 😂
(Real talk, my dad was strict about a lot of things, just not skiing alone at 7)
Parties with friends, the mall, boys, girls, friendships, all of it! It feels scary. It’s new, and though you want your son or daughter to experience all these things, you also need to know they’re safe.
This need for safety in a situation that feels unsafe, makes you act from a place of fear. Your nervous system is dysregulated, and you are not present, curious, and open with them.
When you’re unclear that you have a need for safety, you might not understand your feelings, and you get triggered. This makes you react in a way that does not create connection but rather promotes disconnection.
And because you don't fully understand your feelings and unmet needs, you can't have an open dialogue about it.
When you understand your feelings and needs, can use some of your regulation techniques, and be in your open, curious brain, you and your teen might be able to come up with some ideas together that would allow them a bit of autonomy while also allowing you to feel safe.
Win-win! Best case scenario! Cherry on top! 🍒
Did you know one of the amazing things about the teenage brain is its ability to think creatively? When you can lean into this trait in ways that feel good for you, your teen will feel more seen and heard. And you will feel more connected.
